How to Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body – Cera Byer – 039
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California belly dancer and twerking instructor Cera Byer talks about fearless improvisation, clear choreography, and taking “exquisite care” of ourselves.
Alicia Free:
I am so happy to share with you the amazing, the edgy, Cera Byer.
Cera Byer is a dancer, choreographer, movement coach, and an author. Look out for the book, “The Six Pillars of Body Love” coming out soon. Cera has been teaching dance since the year 2000, so as of now that’s 20 years. Some of those years Cera was directing the Damage Control Dance Theater that our recent podcast guest Tessa TrueHeart was part of out in California. Cera has been a life, movement, and business coach since 2016. Cera also integrates much bigger teachings about life into her dance studio.
Cera’s mission is to help people break free from doubts, fears, insecurities, and traumas that block them from being the most authentic, fully expressed version of themselves.
Whether that’s in life, in business, or on the dance floor. When I looked Cera up online I found her very inspiring website intuitiveedgecoaching.com. Here’s one quote that will give you more of an idea of what Cera does in her dance, teaching, coaching, and probably many other aspects of her life. One of Cera’s many coaching clients has said that, “Cera will push you out of your comfort zone and into the fire so you can burn off all the old BS and live your best damn life.” Cera, thank you so much for being on the show.
Cera Byer:
I’m so excited to be here, thank you so much.
Alicia Free:
We’re going to jump right in to a danceable ritual.
Danceable Ritual: Dance while making breakfast
Alicia:
Do you have one that you would like to share?
Cera Byer:
I am obsessed with rituals and almost everything in my life is ritualized in some way, so for your listeners if you haven’t read “The Creative Habit” by Twyla Tharp she talks extensively about how important rituals are for creative people and that the more things in your life you have ritualized, the more of your mind is freed up for creative thoughts.
I hate to even say “improvise” to belly dancers, and we can get into why later, but I usually will play through a song every morning as part of my morning practice and it’s usually the last part of my morning ritual.
I usually dance while I’m making breakfast, so dance around the kitchen and the living room to whatever song either allows me to move through and express any stuck or crunchy emotions that I have in my body.
This morning I wanted to be really pumped up and so a bunch of really hype excited songs. Whatever I need for a state change to get me ready for the first thing I need to do in my morning. That’s how dance ritualizes into my life.
Improvising: In collaboration with the music
Alicia:
Beautiful. I have got to know…
Why don’t you like to use the word “improvising” when you talk about belly dance?
Cera Byer:
My experience in teaching belly dance is that belly dancers are a lot like ballerinas. They’re uptight, and you say improvise and all of a sudden everyone’s arms go into a perfect position and they’re doing moves that they know and trying to make sure that their belly dance improvising correctly.
Whereas improvising to me is more like jazz, where you’re in a collaboration with the music and you’re experimental and you’re free form and it might not be pretty and you might mess up. And it actually doesn’t need to be this incredibly complex display of all the moves you know. Audiences do not care about the moves you know. Audiences want to feel the music through you.
One of the things that I got most known for in the belly dance world, it was the most throwaway moment for me and I still to this day have people come up to me and talk about it. I think it was 2007 maybe, at Tribal Fest. I taught an improvisation workshop. I taught one of the things that I would teach my classes, which was how to improvise using a traveling step, a shape, and a gesture. Those were the only three things that you were allowed to do, and that you could do that for a whole song and the audience would be completely enthralled.
In order to put my money where my mouth was, that was what I did as my Tribal Fest performance. I got up on stage and let the audience pick a traveling step, a gesture, and a shape. I got a triangle, a grapevine, and the middle finger. I did it to a song I had never heard before. I let Aubrey Hill make me a mixed CD of music. I had never heard anything on it and I let Pixie Fordtears pick a song at random.
I had never heard the song. I didn’t know what I was going to dance to, and I didn’t know what movements I was going to do at the Tribal Fest stage, which at the time was one of the biggest stages in belly dance where people prepared for a whole year. I was like, “This is what I’m doing.” And it’s so funny. To me it was nothing. It was an extension of my workshop, and still to this day that video still gets views and I still have people come up and talk about it.
Alicia:
I don’t even know what a triangle looks like, a hip triangle?
Cera Byer:
Well you have three and a half minutes and triangles are the only shape you can do, so I got real creative.
Alicia:
A triangle everywhere.
Cera Byer:
Yeah, literally everywhere. I was like, “Well let me try to see what a shoulder triangle would be. Let me try to see what a chest triangle would be. Let me try to see how many different ways I can make a triangle because it’s all I can do.”
Alicia:
Well Cera you can hear how you’re in it to play, even more than to impress or to do it right, you’re in it to play.
Cera Byer:
I can’t control whether or not I’m impressive to anyone ever because that’s what goes on in someone else’s brain.
And trying to manage your own life in a way that’s designed to elicit reactions in other people’s brains is a lot of extra work for something you literally can’t control, no matter what you do.
The only thing you can ever control in life is whether or not you’re having fun and feeling good, that’s it.
How to Get Your Choreographies Done: Rent studio space & pair it with something more fun
Cera Byer:
I have a standing studio rehearsal now, it’s on pause because we’re all in quarantine, I don’t know when this will come out. But if for the next five years we’re all in quarantine this was the beginning. But I have a standing studio rehearsal for two hours on Tuesdays. And I put out an open call to all the dancers I know who have unconventional schedules and I was like, “This is when I make up choreography’s for classes and anybody can come.”
I find it easier to choreograph on other people, and my two best friends almost always come. I have two hours in the studio and I teach two classes a week, sometimes three. My goal for myself is I have to choreograph everything that I will teach in all of my classes in those two hours, and it’s literally our favorite time of the week. We started calling it recess. It’s the most fun. It’s such a great break in the week and in the day. I look forward to it every week having this time to go play in the studio, and having the time limit on it and not doing it at home means that I’m much less precious about my choreographies. I just have to get three dances done.
Alicia:
I imagine a lot of dancers put off preparing for their class and put off choreographing, and there’s a pairing. Pairing something that you would procrastinate doing or dread doing or make excuses in order to not do. When you pair it with something you really enjoy it makes this magic thing happen. I’m not saying you don’t enjoy choreographing, I’m sure you do, but you might find reasons to do other things if you hadn’t set it up like that.
Cera Byer:
Absolutely. I have a little dance practice space in my home. I have a little open spot in my living room with some mirrors and I would always be like, “I should choreograph here. I don’t need to pay for a studio space. I have space, it’s ridiculous to go pay money and rent a studio for something that I can do at home.” But I would always put off choreographing. And then it would be this looming, nagging thing I knew I had to do in my head all week that I hated. And no matter how many times I wrote in my schedule that I was going to choreograph on Monday because my class is on Thursday and Friday, I didn’t do it. It was always last minute and would throw off anything I did need to do on Thursday or Friday because I had to choreograph something for class. It didn’t feel good.
I think it was last year. I made a bunch of big changes to my money mindset and one of them was about investing in myself and doing whatever I felt like I needed to do for my art and for my business. And really sending the signal to myself that I was worth it and that my work was worth it. $40 a week was what I needed to have set studio time. What I was really paying for was the peace of mind of not having something lingering and stressing me out and unfinished hanging over my week. When I plunked down the money and started doing it, first of all my choreography got better. And I got done with stuff way faster because there was a signal to myself that okay, you’re paying for this room so you’re going to get down to business and get some work done.
Cera Byer:
Whereas if I’m choreographing at home I might noodle for a little bit and then make some food, and then noodle for a little bit and do some dishes, and then noodle for a little bit and take a phone call. Let something drag on for hours and hours and not get it done. But the fact that I was paying for a studio made me buckle down a little bit more, and setting the goal that I had to finish all my choreography in this two hours helped me not be quite so precious about things and make a decision and stick to it and be like cool, it’s this. Which also started to clarify my voice because I was being more immediate.
Alicia:
And you invited your friends to be part of it and other people to be part of it.
Cera Byer:
Yeah.
Alicia:
In that way you’re accountable to them in addition to you putting a price tag on it and setting it on your schedule. You also have accountability partners that are going to come to the studio when it’s time to do it.
Cera Byer:
Yeah, the reason I really like choreographing on other bodies, and I’ve heard dancers be like, “Oh I don’t want anyone to see it until it’s done,” which I think is a little bit of insecurity. But what I found with choreographing on other people’s bodies is that it makes you clarify things faster. If I’m dancing by myself I might change it every single time. If you’re dancing with other people you can’t do that. They’re like, “Is it this or is it this? Is it on the five or the seven? What are you doing?” You have to make a choice because there are other people who are trying to do it with you. I feel like with dance it’s one of the only pieces of art that you can make where you are the art. So you can’t step back and get objectivity from it unless you video.
When I’m dancing with other people I can set something and then step back and watch them do it. And make some decisions about how I feel about it, and if I want to change things because I get a little bit of distance and objectivity from the piece.
Alicia:
Great point, having other people do it in front of you.
Cera Byer:
Yeah.
Alicia:
It doesn’t even have to be a formation. Of course formations you’re going to want people in addition to the diagrams or whatever, but to try moves on other people. That’s a great point.
Cera Byer:
Yeah, I mean these are class combos. They’re simple. There’s no formations, it’s not anything like that. And I think another thing that really changed for me… Maybe it was this year. But thinking about building choreography’s really as teaching tools.
I live in L.A. now, and I moved here a few years ago. I think when I first got here I got sucked into the L.A. dance studio culture mindset, which is really that a lot of professional choreographers in L.A. use their classes as showcases for their work and less about nurturing development in students. There are a lot of studios here where all the dancers who come to your class are already professionals, so they’re coming to you trained and you’re giving them choreography that’s designed to get a cute video for YouTube or a cute video for Instagram.
We’re in a weird time with dance, because that’s never what dance was about.
What made me fall in love with dance had nothing to do with video. We didn’t have that when I was coming up. You went to class to have a teacher pour knowledge into you and pour technique into you. And they were there for you. For your development to train you. To give you everything that they knew. I had this realization that if all I’m doing in class is using it as my own choreography showcase and going in and trying to have the best combo so that I can get the best video, that’s about me. As a choreographer, that should be hiring professional dancers and filming a video separate from your class. Class is for my students, and my teachers now are elders. Many of them are 60 and older. Some of them aren’t teaching anymore. Some of my teachers have passed. So if I’m not passing along their teachings, their teachings die. And we become the last generation of dance teachers who had knowledge poured into us if we lose that way of teaching.
Pouring Knowledge Into Students
This year I really made a shift in how I thought about my classes. What I was doing, and really making sure that even if adults were coming to me and they were already trained that I was pouring knowledge. That I was quoting my teachers. That I was giving what was given to me in my classes.
It got way stickier because I’m not competing with the way that L.A. teachers teach anymore. And I started noticing a much higher retention rate in my classes. I started noticing much more improvement in my students. I started really being able to see technical depth, because I was giving in a different way that had way less to do with me and my ego and: Am I making cute dances? And way more to do with: Am I thinking about them and what they need? And how to teach that to them in a way that they now have it as a tool in their arsenal and that they can use it.
Danceable Song: Bum Bum
Alicia:
Cera is there a danceable song you want to share?
Cera Byer:
Yeah, the song that I’m obsessed with right now is called BUM BUM and it’s by Mohammad Ramadan. It’s a Shaabi song and I love Shaabi music, it’s my favorite. It’s Egyptian pop street style. This song, if you look up the lyrics, is about going to a bar and having someone give you a drink and you don’t know what’s in it. You drink it and then you start hallucinating and you can’t find your phone. And you think the ninja turtles are calling you, and you’re asking everyone you know to loan you a lighter. It’s great.
Alicia:
In the video too, I’ll put a link to the video in the show notes for sure. There’s all of these lighters surrounding his head.
Cera Byer:
It’s so funny.
Alicia:
He’s got some really good hip circles. Everybody’s doing this hands on hips, deep hip circle action too.
Cera Byer:
Yeah it’s so good.
Alicia:
Yeah, and you have a choreography to it. You’ve shared on-
Cera Byer:
Instagram.
Alicia:
Yeah.
Cera Byer:
That’s where I mostly hang out on social media is on Instagram.
Alicia:
Gotcha. So if you want to hear the song, check out the Belly Dance Body and Soul playlist on Spotify, I’ll have it on there. I’ll be in the show notes with the video and Cera has, on her Instagram channel, the choreography that she made for it.
Cera Byer:
I’m still working on it. I’m chasing it a little bit but I’m going to get there.
Alicia:
What’s your Instagram again Cera?
Cera Byer:
I have two. My all dance Instagram is C-E-R-A gohellahard, all one word. @ceragohellahard, and then my coaching Instagram is @intuitiveedgecoaching.
I realize that everyone here in the dance world uses Instagram like a business card. No one exchanges any other contact information at a dance event. Everyone says, “What’s your Instagram?” When I moved here my Instagram was normal, it was a mix of everything and pictures of food and stuff like that. Then I came down here and everyone in dance has a dance only Instagram so I separated it out.
There’s a lot of twerking on my @ceragohellahard Instagram. I want to warn people because sometimes belly dancers are like, “Oh it’s your ass cheeks.” If you go to my Instagram you’re going to see my butt, sorry slash you’re welcome.
Alicia:
Yeah, you’re welcome. And I did see there was something about Coronavirus, you were doing something with your friend?
Cera Byer:
Oh yeah, so Cardi B made a video at the beginning of this where she was saying, “Coronavirus is getting real,” and it was pretty funny. Then a guy named DJ Mark Keys I believe made a one minute trap song mixing Cardi B’s voice. I love the internet. The fact that all of these happen. That Cardi B made this video on her Instagram. That someone found it and turned it into a song and that we were able to turn it into a dance video made me very happy.
Alicia:
Awesome. You go into lyrics. You research the lyrics that you dance to like you were saying with the BUM BUM song. You knew what it was saying, and then you’re able to do some lip syncing in it.
Cera Byer:
Well I’m a lyrics person. And I think I was in college when I had a choreography teacher who was like, “Oh yeah, I don’t listen to lyrics,” and I was shocked. It never occurred to me that people don’t listen to the lyrics of the songs, but especially in belly dancing it’s a really common thing to see in Middle Eastern dancers lip syncing to the songs. And you’ll see a lot of western dancers do it but sometimes they don’t necessarily know what they’re lip syncing to. So I do think it’s a good practice always to look up the lyrics to the songs that you’re dancing to. Sometimes it gives you great insights for what you should be doing in the choreography.
Alicia:
Great. The video link that I’m going to post to the song BUM BUM actually has the lyrics karaoke style on the screen so you can see what Cera’s talking about there.
Cera Byer:
It’s so funny.
Editing Music with Garage Band
Alicia:
Cera, you’re talking about editing music and the beauty of all this social media and being able to take a quote from somebody and put it into a song. You use GarageBand when you’re editing music that you want to be different?
Cera Byer:
I do. And I don’t do it that much, but it’s the only program I know how to use. It’s not fancy and I can’t do anything fancy with it but sometimes, oh I love the intro to this song and the first verse and the chorus but the I want to go straight to the bridge or something. I don’t like the second verse or something like that. Usually if it’s a pretty straightforward song, I can cut things out with GarageBand. For gigs if you have two or three sections of different songs that you want to put together into one track or fade in and out, I can usually do that with GarageBand. But I’m not fancy with editing.
Alicia:
Do you do it on your laptop or on your phone?
Cera Byer:
On my laptop. I don’t know how people do that stuff on their phone.
Alicia:
I was going to be impressed if you did.
Cera Byer:
People are amazed. I leave my phone at home all the time when I go out on purpose. I don’t want it. I miss having a home answering machine. Leave me a message and I will get back to you when I feel like it. I don’t like the idea that people have instant access to you all the time and they get upset if you don’t answer a message within 20 minutes. I’m not into it.
Alicia:
You got it all set up Cera.
Cera Byer:
I don’t like it. I’m old enough to remember when we had home answering machines.
Alicia:
That’s right, you sing a little song on the recorder.
Cera Byer:
I had completely forgotten about this recently. A friend of mine reminded me that back in the day I had a voicemail question of the week. I used to ask funny questions on my answering machine and my friends would call and answer them. The only one he remembered was, “Would you rather be reincarnated as a tube top or a mini skirt?” I was like, “That’s a great question.”
Alicia:
Yeah, post that on your social media. I bet you get a whole bunch of responses there. I don’t know where it’ll take you but wow, that is a good one.
Damn Sexy Dance Move: Shimmies
Alicia:
Cera, what damn sexy dance move would you like to share?
Cera Byer:
I think shimmies are the sexiest dance move of all time. I’m obsessed with shimmies, all of them.
Alicia:
Do you have a structure for practicing shimmies or a list of all the shimmies you love or anything else you want to say about shimmies?
Cera Byer:
Oh my gosh.
I think it’s a shame when people get set on only having one way to shimmy. And it happens a lot.
They’re like, “I only glute shimmy,” or only knees. People get set in their shimmy ways. If you’re dancing to a really emotional Middle Eastern song that has a really beautiful taksim, you can do a shimmy on the violin or on a really emotional vocal sound. You can shimmy on a drum, but if you’re doing a drum solo there’s going to be a difference between the drummer hitting the big deep chunky sounding rhythm to that sound where they roll their fingers on the drum.
Be able to move between different textures of shimmy. And not just be up down shimmy, but a twisting shimmy or a front back shimmy or rolling your shimmy up to your shoulders.
The thing where you bounce your heels so fast that all the fat in your body jiggles like an earthquake. Shimmies are about getting all your juicy bits to jiggle. That’s all it’s about is about getting your fat to move around.
There’s such a luscious thing about opening up to feeling all the different ways that you can jiggle your body to music, it’s so good.
Alicia:
Cera wrote “Shimmies, always shimmies, only shimmies, every texture of shimmy, every direction of shimmy, world with out end, amen.”
Cera Byer:
Yes, going back to what I said way at the beginning about people making it way too complicated. You’re like, “Oh you step like this, and then you do it like this, then it’s this combo.” No just shimmies, just shimmies forever.
You’re never going to be done perfecting your shimmy.
Baryshnikov said, “No matter how big you get in your ballet career you could be the biggest prima ballerina in the world and you still start every day with plies at the bar.” That’s what shimmies are.
You will never be done exploring your shimmy. It’s is f*ing yoga. There’s no end to how deep you can go in shimmies.
Alicia:
Beautiful.
Lighten My Body Food: Avocados
Alicia Freedman:
What is one vegan, whole food ingredient that you love?
Cera Byer:
I’m addicted to avocados.
I’m a Cali girl through and through. Everything in life can be solved by avocados and the beach.
I love avocados so much. I’ve been making an avocado chocolate mousse. For people who have not used avocado as a sweet thing, avocado will take on the flavor of whatever you put it with. And it’s so creamy and rich, and it makes such a good base for all different kinds of desserts. A whole avocado with a couple tablespoons of either cacao or 100% chocolate cocoa powder, sweetener of your choice, I usually use agave, and then I like to put in a little cayenne pepper and little cinnamon, give it a little kick. I’ve also put in half a banana, I’ve put in peanut butter, and then you blend it up. I use a Magic Bullet and put it in the fridge for a couple hours. And I’ve put coconut cream on top, it’s so good. It the most rich, delicious, amazing chocolate mousse.
Alicia:
Sounds so easy. All whole food ingredients, it’s beautiful.
Cera Byer:
It’s so good.
Alicia Freedman:
Cera inspired me to test out the avocado and chocolate combination, and I created a killer vegan chocolate peanut butter mousse recipe.
Make You Shine Costume Tip: Use double sided tape
Alicia:
What is one costume tip you want to share?
Cera Byer:
Tape everything. Okay I’m just going to say this. I don’t know if anyone else has an escape boob but mine is my right one. It tries to escape from everything. It escapes from an everyday bra. I can’t tell you how many day to day conversations I have with people where my right boob is out of my bra in my shirt, and I can feel it and I want to adjust. I don’t know why, but every single sports bra I have when I’m teaching, no matter what. I warn people. I’m like, “Oh my gosh I can tell the first moment class starts I’m going to end up flashing right nipple at you.” It changed my life when I realized that I needed to double sided tape myself into every costume no matter how secure it felt. Even if I practice without tape and it felt okay for stage, you don’t want to have that worry. So taping yourself in to everything is the way.
Alicia:
Now you’re talking about regular clear double sided tape?
Cera Byer:
Yeah.
Alicia:
You tape the bottom or your bra or the top? What parts of your bra do you tape?
Cera Byer:
Well it depends on the costume. You can get lingerie tape. Now you can get it at Walgreens, I see it at the grocery store, usually next to where they have hair stuff sometimes they’ll have lingerie tape. But double sided clothing tape, fabric tape.
For me my right boob especially likes to escape out the top of costumes. Depending on the shape of your breast, so my boobs are not super full on the top, they’re fuller on the bottom.
So if I’m wearing a costume where I want to have that lovely over the top of the costume cleavage shelf, I’ll put a rolled up sock underneath my breast against the pushup part of the bra to fill up the cup a little bit and lift my boob up so that it’s sitting up high in the cup. And then I put tape above my nipple on the inside of the bra. I get it where I want it and squish it and hold it for 30 seconds so that the tape gets warm.
Then it looks like my boobs are bigger, and also that they’re sitting up really high in the cup where the cleavage is all sitting up top. Then if you bounce a little bit you get that really lovely top of the cleavage shimmy. A little bounce up there. A sock underneath inside the bra cup. Also I have had a sock come out of a bra. You never want that, so sometimes you might need to pin it in or tape the sock itself, the rolled up sock into the bra. Or I’ve cut a little hole in the lining if there’s room for it where the bra padding goes, and I can shove something inside so that it won’t come out the bottom of you bra while you’re dancing. Something that makes your boobs stack up on top of the cup and then taping the crap out of them to keep them in there.
I’m also crazy athletic. I do all kinds of weird stuff that a lot of standard belly dance doesn’t do. If you’re doing transitions where you’re going to the floor, you’re doing any floor work, you’re doing any rolling around, there’s always a risk that a boob will escape. Or if you have a tie bra, I’ve seen this happen, it’s happened to me, that it’ll come untied in the back. But if you’re taped to high heaven in the front, even if it comes untied, it’s not coming off.
Alicia:
Just keep dancing.
Cera Byer:
Oh yeah. You can do a shimmy while you face the audience with your hands behind your back tying your bra, and they’re none the wiser.
Feel Good Look Good Habit: Invest in your own happiness
Alicia:
Do you have a feel good look good habit that you want to share?
Cera Byer:
Invest in your own happiness.
Nothing looks better on anyone, but especially on a woman, than happiness. Literally nothing.
Nothing looks better on you than happiness. It’s an inside out glow. It makes your skin look good. It makes your smile look good. It makes your eyes look brighter, just have something about you. This is an interesting thing I’ve noticed. The happier you get, the more people will start insisting you’ve lost weight even when you haven’t. It’s really weird. There’s no framework that people have. “Have you changed your hair?” You’re like, “No.” They’re like, “Have you lost weight?” You’re like, “No.” They’re like, “You have.” I’ve had people get mad and insist I’ve lost weight. I’m like, “I really haven’t, I just look happy.” Don’t know what to tell you.
Alicia:
Especially with a woman, the softness of it. It’s so magnetic. When you see a happy woman you want to be near her.
Cera Byer:
It’s so good, and it’s an inside job.
Alicia:
That’s right. You said something about your shift in your money mindset in the last year or so. Was there something that did that to you? Did you go to a conference? Did you find a person online or read a book?
The Importance of Identity
Cera Byer:
I think it was a handful of different things all at once. One of the biggest things was my age. I’m almost 40 and I have never owned a house and I have never had savings. I’ve been self-employed almost my entire adult life, but I left home very young and I worked jobs as a teenager. Some of them were really good jobs. I worked in marketing research. I had a $70,000 salary when I was 17, and I hated it. I was like, “Okay, I did what you’re supposed to do. I got a good job and I’m making a lot of money and I’m miserable.” The freedom it gave me to have that experience at such a young age was to realize that all the things that were supposed to make me happy didn’t make me happy. So I didn’t need to pursue them anymore. I needed to figure out what made me happy.
I realized that I had to be working in the arts. I didn’t want to work for other people, and I never wanted to do anything for work that wasn’t directly tied to my passions.
That was all I cared about, and my goal for myself was as long as I can pay all my bills that’s good enough. I did that for almost 20 years, and it was good enough. I never want to make it seem like I wasn’t happy. That was part of why I stayed that way for so long because that was my goal, and I did it. I always made enough money to pay all my bills and be okay only in the arts, and that was all I wanted. If you looked at my bank statements for almost 20 years they would reflect that because every single month I got just enough money in my account to cover everything. And then the last three days of the month I had $3. And it went all back up again, enough to pay all my bills, and by the end of the month I had $3.
My financial statements reflected this mentality, this rollercoaster of I just need enough to get by. Then I started being like, “I think I need more then just enough to get by. I need enough to save. I need enough to buy a home. I need enough to retire someday. I need enough to travel and to take time off and live a different lifestyle.” The biggest thing for me – and this is what I work with a lot of clients on – is it has less to do with behavior and more to do with identity.
I thought of myself as a scrappy DIY arts hustler. That was my identity, and I was happy with that for a long time.
And there’s nothing wrong with it. It was good for me at 20, and it was good for me even at 30. But I also started to think, well what would the six-figure CEO version of me be like? How does that person show up to work everyday? How does that person approach business? How does that person invest in herself? How does that person deal with her finances? How does that person save? How does that person live?
I made out a list of what I thought the six-figure CEO version of me would be like, and then I made a list of all the ways that that was different than how I was showing up now. And that was my to do list. I started showing up as the version of me who was making six-figures. I figured I was much more likely to make that kind of money if I started living as that person now. I had my first five-figure month in my business within two months of that.
The first thing I did was I invested a bunch of money that I would always tell myself I couldn’t afford as a scrappy DIY arts hustler. I can’t afford to get a business coach. I can’t afford to get a fancy microphone. I can’t afford to get a nicer phone to make nicer videos on. I can’t afford a web cam. I can’t afford help. I would always tell myself I couldn’t afford help.
But the six-figure CEO version of me understood that investing in my product would make me more money, and that there was no hesitation for investing in things that would expand my business.
Immediately I enrolled in business coaching, I got new equipment with money I didn’t have yet. I quit my part-time job. I put in notice. And I had no idea how I was going to make up that income, but I do think that all of our big internal transformations start with a decision and an identity. Those were the two biggest things that shifted for me. I’m on track to have a six-figure year. Might be a high six-figure year this year.
Alicia:
I love that. There’s so many limiting beliefs among the belly dance world especially. I mean in the arts of course. That you can’t actually flourish financially as a belly dance teacher, as a belly dance performer. Only a few do it we think, but I had that same limiting belief. “Oh, I’m not going to teach classes, nobody’s going to come, I’m not going to make any money.” I’m always thinking about it too, but I love to hear the hustler in you, the unstoppable hustler in you say, “No, I’ve got so much more to give, and this is how I’m going to do it.”
Cera Byer:
It’s also funny, because it feels like I’m less of a hustler now than I’ve ever been. Once I stepped into the identity, there was no more hustle. Hustle came with the idea that there was never enough. I was in this scarcity mode like, “Got to make it work, got to grind.” So masculine, so fire-based. So much push. And once I shifted into no, I’m a six-figure CEO of my life. I work less than I’ve ever worked. I keep track of the money that comes in and I look at it and I’m like, “I have no idea how I made $10,000 this month. I don’t even know. I don’t feel like I did anything.” At the same time, I’m serving on a really high level, because you have to be an energetic match for that level of service. So that’s a question you want to ask yourself.
Are you an energetic match for $5,000 a month worth of service?
Are you showing up for your people at an energetic match of $5,000 worth of service or $10,000 worth of service or $20,000 worth of service?
I wasn’t before. I was showing up for my people at a level of a few hundred dollars a month worth of service that was couched in the fear that no one would come. And I wasn’t good enough, and maybe people wouldn’t take it seriously. When I shifted into: I’m going to put out stuff that I really believe in and I trust that the right people will find it. And I’m going to show up in a way that’s designed to serve people at the highest level and to think about them more than I think about my fear.
To show up in service for my people more than I’m showing up in service with my own insecurity.
Things started to flow, and I literally work less than I’ve ever worked in my life. Two days this week I turned my phone and my laptop off for eight hours. I don’t know.
Alicia:
It’s a dream.
Cera Byer:
I’ve had people say this to me. “Oh it sounds so romantic, but it’s not practical.” I don’t know what to tell you. Magic is not practical. There is an energetic component to this that sounds made up, and you can only experience it. You have to start to build your trust muscle with it, and I was like this forever too. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, law of attraction, abundance, I get it. I like the idea of it.” When you’re an energetic match for wealth then your wealthy, whatever the f*ck that means.
Whenever I shifted it to being an energetic match for that level of service, it changed. And I think that’s a really important thing to look at. Are you serving on that level? Are you showing up like you have a product that’s worth money?
Alicia:
Are you solving a problem for somebody, a real problem? Because when I see your videos too, you’re working on solving problems. Again about identity, what you’re talking about for people.
Cera Byer:
Yeah. When you realize that so much of life is completely made up, it’s so freeing.
Alicia:
It’s crazy isn’t it?
Cera Byer:
Most of your biggest problems are completely made up. It’s just you in your head alone in your living room creating a problem.
Alicia Freedman:
Or it was your mom, or that teacher that said one thing to you, and you’re holding it for God knows what reason.
Cera Byer:
Yeah, but God does know the reason and most of the time the reason is because there’s still a little part of you that think that if you join that person in their limiting belief you will get their approval.
If I join my mom in her limiting beliefs about beauty and bodies and what women need to be, maybe she’ll stop judging me. And maybe she’ll love me and maybe we’ll be on the same team.
If I join my family in the family story that we’re not the kind of people who can hold a job, then I get to start part of that. And that’s something bigger than me. Whereas if I let go of that belief, I am alienating myself in some way from the group. I’m rejecting that approval. I’m saying, “You know what? I no longer want to bond with you over this limiting belief. I’m no longer going to try to gain your love and approval by believing the same thing that you believe.”
As an adult that might sound logical, but to the part of you that’s a little kid that learned that this is what we do and this is how I stay part of the group, it’s very scary. And there’s a lot of grief in letting go of the need to be a part of that team. Things change though. When you’re like,
“Hey, you know what? Take me off the call list for people you call to complain about money. Take me off of the evite for the pity party, I don’t want to attend, and in fact never invite me again. I will never say yes.”
People are like, “Oh you’re too good for us now?” You’re like, “That’s not how I would put it, but I still don’t want to come. Love you.”
Alicia:
Well and you’re creating something new that maybe they could be invited to. Maybe your family could be invited to that we make six-figures party. Think about what that’s doing for people.
Cera Byer:
Yeah, and if they don’t want to come you can’t make them.
Alicia:
No.
Cera Byer:
And that’s where things get hard for a lot of us. A lot of the time that’s where people turn back.
Who you have around you is so important. Who you have around you is critical.
Because if you start making those moves, and the people around you are not encouraging and they don’t want to come, you’re actually going to have to give up a lot of relationships in your life in order for you to grow and change.
You have to have a pretty deep well of self-love to weather giving up those relationships. You have to have a lot of trust that you’ll find new relationship. And sometimes it’s family members and it’s really hard.
Alicia:
Have you heard the analogy you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to get out and climb up the wall, the other ones will pull it back down.
Cera Byer:
Yeah.
Alicia:
Thank you crabs, because this is what’s going on!
Cera Byer:
Yeah, we want people to stay with us in our sameness. I mean not always and not everyone, but many times people’s attachment to each other is based on the conditions that you’re going to keep supporting me and my bullshit.
Alicia:
The collusion.
Cera Byer:
Right. And the day you start trying to change and grow and do something different and be bigger, I’m going to feel judged or I’m going to feel attacked or I’m going to feel threatened that you’re going to leave me. And I’m going to act out in fear.
It takes a lot of strength and a lot of self-love and a lot of self-awareness to make a commitment to love someone in their expansion and in their growth. Because that means you have to be committed to your own expansion and growth too.
Alicia:
Yup. So if you guys are loving what Cera is saying right now, you got to check out her website intuitiveedgecoaching.com. Cera you do business coaching, correct?
Cera Byer:
I do. I do business coaching and life coaching both and they all end up merging together for me.
Alicia:
Right, so if you want more of this special sauce but put into your story, get a hold of Cera. I have this whole podcast episode number 32 that’s all about what I learned from Tony Robbins from Date with Destiny.
Cera Byer:
Yes, I love Tony Robbins, he’s so fun.
Alicia Freedman:
Oh my God, right. He’s so amazing. What she’s saying about actually letting your femininity come into your business and not being so masculine about it, can do so much. You want more of all that check out episode 32.
Cera Byer:
I can tie this back into dance. Let me segue.
Alicia:
Oh yes, please do.
Cera Byer:
The whole thing about femininity, especially within belly dance, a lot of people are approaching dance from a masculine perspective, all dance, but a lot of people approach everything in life from a masculine perspective, because that’s the dominant culture. We are swimming in a patriarchal misogynist white supremacist, etc., patriarchal sauce.
We’re raised in this country to believe that if we are feminine then we’re vulnerable big time. Second of all people won’t take us seriously. It makes you prey, it’s not safe. Most of the time women are walking around in a masculine posture.
If you’re walking down the street you don’t relax into your pelvis and let your hips swing. That’s dangerous. People are going to cat call you. Somebody’s going to follow you down the street. You pull yourself up tight, you maybe pull your shoulders back and your chest out or you hunch, and you look straight ahead, and you march.
We live in our bodies most of the time in a way that’s designed to minimize our femininity in order to be safe.
Then you come into a dance space, and especially if you’re approaching it all from your head and all from okay, I have to learn these steps and I have to copy my teacher.
There’s a felt experience of this dance form that’s about softening into your pelvis.
And it’s about experiencing real feminine energy, which is about receptivity.
About being a vessel for music.
About being empty of yourself and your thoughts in order to receive sound and translate it through yourself.
You can’t do that from a masculine approach of “What steps do I know?” Belly dance and all the dance styles that I’m really invested in, which are all basically African Diasporic forms, their root in Sacral Chakras. They’re all about a lived and felt experience and expression of your feminine energy. They’re from the inside out.
All dance is from the inside out. But if you are a person who has trouble allowing yourself to tap into your feminine, notice how that’s playing into your dance practice. Are you approaching it all from your head? Is it all categorizing steps? Do you ever have moments where you feel like you’re completely receptive, or are you always calculating?
Alicia:
Beautiful. In episode 34 of A Little Lighter, Tessa TrueHeart mentioned that you want to be a woman who takes exquisite care of yourself. And that sounds delightful. What does that look like? Can you tell us more about that?
Cera Byer:
This is some of what came out of Body Love Lab, which is a coaching program that I created. It is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It’s a program to help people, me too, figure out what it means to actually love your body, and be in a loving relationship with your body, and live in your body with love. Some of that includes examining your relationship to self-care.
Self-care is a buzz word. So I’m not talking about bubble baths, but how we actually care for our physical self on a day to day basis.
Many of us just replicate the standards for self-care that we were shown. Not necessarily told, but show. And usually by our parent of the same gender.
My mom’s relationship to care, which I realized “Oh! That’s what I do,” was that she came last. What I witnessed was a single mom who was in college and had a full-time job, and had two young kids when she was younger than I am now – which I can’t even imagine because I AM children. I don’t know how people have children. I think about this a lot. My mom was younger than I am now. She was divorced with two young children. She was in college full-time and had a full-time job, so she came last. The thing that came first was work. Anything designed to bring in cash came first. After that would probably be people who needed her. Service, friends, community, if somebody had an emergency or a problem my mom was there.
After that would probably be me and my brother. We were very much of the: you have a house and you have clothes on and you have food, so you’re fine. Then maybe the house. Clean laundry would pile up on the couch. Things wouldn’t be cleaned very much. And then maybe she would look around one day and be like, “Oh my gosh it’s disgusting.” Or company was coming and then she would clean everything all at once in a whirlwind. But she didn’t clean for herself, for her own enjoyment of having the space a certain way. Me and my brother did chores, but that was her relationship to keeping the house. Then her. She would work all day and eat frozen food. Exercise was really about an aesthetic thing, so she didn’t exercise for long enough to gain weight to the point that it bothered her, then there was a shame spiral, and then there would be a surge of exercise.
I realized “Oh! That’s exactly what I do. That’s how I live, that’s how my house is. I put work before everything, I’m last. Is that what I want?” When I thought about it I was like,
“No. I want to be a woman who takes exquisite care of herself.” Again, it’s an identity thing.
I was like, “What does a woman who takes exquisite care of herself do? What does that mean? What does that look like, and what would I define as exquisite care?” There’s no external to that. It’s what feels exquisite to me, and that’s a high bar. Not just sufficient care, exquisite. What would exquisite care feel like?
After a lifetime of the bare minimum of care and coming last to myself, it felt like suddenly being at the most glorious buffet with chocolate fountains.
I was like, “Wait, exquisite care?” I can get hair trims. That doesn’t sound like a lot but I never got hair trims growing up. My mom cut our hair, so then I just trimmed my own hair. The idea of spending money to have someone trim my hair was like oh, I don’t do that, it’s fancy, I don’t need that, it’s too much, that’s too much for me. Getting my nails done, oh that’s fancy. Maybe once a year or something, but I don’t need that.
Keeping fresh flowers in my house all the time because they make me happy.
That’s an extra expense, I don’t need that. Buying the organic version of the food versus the cheapest version. Keeping my house in a certain way that looked beautiful to me. Keeping my desk cleared off. It sounds like a small thing, but my desk chair would be piled with laundry and my desk was a mess of papers. And what that signaled to me is A: my work is not important and B: I’m going to have to do 15 chores in order to sit down at my desk and work.
When I started clearing my desk off every night so that when I walk out I see my space is ready for me to work, it’s a signal that my work is important enough that I deserve to have a clear space to do it. All of these little things all together create a feeling that I’m exquisitely cared for. Some of me was waiting for a partner to do it for me, which I think a lot of us do. The idea that I always want to have flowers, and I always want to have chocolate. All of these things.
And it’s like, “Well somebody should do that for me.” Well maybe, but in the meantime you could still have flowers and chocolate.
I actually have a little course called Be Your Own Bae, which is about giving yourself all of the things that you would want someone else to give to you.
When I started doing all of those things for myself, it changed how I felt day to day and it changed how I felt about myself. I think that one of the things that happens with self-love and self-care is that people mistake love for a feeling. And I don’t think it is. I think love as a feeling is the resultant set of emotions that come from love as a verb.
When we’re in a relationship with another person it’s really hard to fall in love with someone who never answers your texts and when they do talk to you they make you feel like you’re a f*cking chore. And they’re annoyed by you and they criticize everything that you do and they tell you that you’re not good enough. They never do nice things for you. They are never thoughtful. They never go out of their way for you. They expect you to do a bunch of stuff for them, but they don’t really do anything for you. They take you for granted. It’s really hard to feel lovey dovey towards that behavior, but most of us treat ourselves like that.
Then we feel like oh, well if I can figure out how to feel love for myself then I’ll treat myself differently.
How are you going to start feeling love for yourself when you treat yourself like that?
It can be very outside in. It can be very much about starting to treat yourself the way that you would treat a beloved, and then noticing that all of a sudden you’re like,
“Damn me, you’re awesome. Thank you for buying flowers.” Past me bought me chocolates. I love past me. That bitch is amazing.
Oh past me took the time to clean up the kitchen and get everything for the morning so that when I woke up it was clear and open for me to have my coffee, and I love how that feels. There’s a feeling of being nurtured that flows through my life from me to me that makes me have a greater appreciation for myself. Yeah, it can go all from behavior.
Alicia:
When you said Be Your Own Bae, what does Bae stand for?
Cera Byer:
I think it came from babe, but then people started saying it was an acronym for Before Anyone Else, which I like very much.
Alicia:
There’s that saying that if somebody talked to you the way you talk to yourself you’d slap them upside the face.
Cera Byer:
You would never stand for it, especially the thing about treating yourself like a chore and criticizing everything you do. For so many women we’re like, “Oh you again.”
Alicia:
Automatic right, just keeps on coming in the mind.
Cera Byer:
Can you imagine if you were dating someone and every time you texted them they were like, “What do you want?” You’d be like, “We’re breaking up. You’re mean to me.” Or you’re like, “Hey babe I made this thing today.” They’re like, “Eh, it could be better. Why aren’t you like that other person?” We’re like that to ourselves, and then we wonder why we’re sad! Oh my God.
Alicia:
Tell us something exciting that you have coming up.
Cera Byer:
Well with quarantine… I want to shout out to the people who are still doing deliveries. If you have the means and you can just tip those people so, so well.
Alicia:
Oh yeah.
Cera Byer:
If I’m using any delivery services I’ve been really tipping people as generously as I possibly can because those people are taking care of us and risking themselves so thank you to those people if you’re listening. If you’re out there doing Instacart deliveries right now just thank you for your service. You are all our new service men and women. Thank you for your service.
Alicia:
Wouldn’t it be awesome if this quarantine shit was over when this aired in four weeks?
Cera Byer:
I’m into it. I’m a weirdo. But one of my favorite things about quarantine – and this is where it’s taking me in my life and in my work – is so many people I know, artists, movement professionals, teachers have dropped all of the perfectionism procrastination that has kept them from launching online classes and online offerings and sharing their work online and are doing it.
My first thought was, “We could have all been doing this a long time ago.” So many people are like, “Oh I’m probably going to start teaching online, but before I start teaching online I need to research the best camera, and I need to figure out the very best platform for hosting, and I need to figure out how I’m going to accept payment for it, and I need to figure out studios.” Then it’s 18 steps and you’re overwhelmed and then you go watch Netflix and it’s five years later and you’ve never done online classes.
It took this emergency for so many people to be like, “I’m just doing it on my phone and I’m going live on Instagram and I’m putting it out there and I’m offering.” I have loved seeing people take imperfect messy action. I did it too. The first week I was like, “Well I guess I’m going to teach online classes on Zoom and they’ll get better every time and we’ll figure it out.”
I don’t think I want to go back to “normal” after this. There are so many amazing beautiful things that have shifted. We have suddenly figured out how to give unoccupied houses to the homeless. We have young healthy people running errands for elderly or infirmed neighbors, we’re more of a neighborhood in such a global way than we’ve ever been. All of a sudden people are getting out of their own way. They’re putting out art. They’re showing up for each other. I have friends who are DJ’ing live on Instagram and providing low cost services and coming up with ways to support the community.
I’ve heard some people be like, “Well this is great but when quarantine is over I’m afraid it’s all going to go back to every man for themselves, business as usual.” The thing I’ve been thinking about is: maybe that’s up to us. Can we serve on this level continually? And how can we resource ourselves to keep being able to provide on this level and showing up for each other on this level? What’s exciting for me right now is the world is changing. We are potentially on the verge of an entirely new way of doing things if we’re willing to rise to that level and to really think about how we can use this to serve bigger. And to show up bigger and to be more present and more available. And to take more imperfect messy action. What can I do to help people do that and how can I do it myself?
Alicia:
Beautiful Cera. Our family’s been having a get dressed up in ridiculous costumes, wigs, the whole shebang and dance everyday like 5:00 and put it on Facebook Live.
Cera Byer:
I love it.
Alicia:
Everyday. We’ve been doing it for 11 days now. Since the first day that school was closed. Yeah, what you’re saying is why didn’t I have a dance party every goddamn day and get dressed up?
Cera Byer:
Right.
Alicia:
It’s the highlight of our day.
Cera Byer:
It’s so beautiful and that you’re doing it with your family and that you’re connecting and then that you’re sharing with others.
Modeling permission to be silly and that you don’t need an excuse to put a costume on. Oh it’s so good.
Alicia:
Cera I have loved hearing all that you have to offer here in this short period of time, so please everyone, look Cera up online. Tell us the best way to connect with you online Cera.
Cera Byer:
I’m on Instagram. That’s my main platform. Oh I’ll share, I have a private Facebook group, that’s where you can get the most value from me. I do lives in there so every month I’ll ask the members what’s something that they’re going through or struggling with that they want to talk about and I’ll do a free live group coaching in there on that topic.
I share a lot of resources in there and it’s called Unstuck. So I think it’s Facebook.com/groups/unstuckgroup. That’s where you can get the most access to me, and also anytime I’m doing courses or group coaching or I have space for a client I announce it there first, and members of my group get discounts on all kinds of stuff. That’s a really good way to connect with me a little deeper than just Instagram. Again my Instagrams are @intuitiveedgecoaching and my dance one is @ceragohellahard.
Alicia Freedman:
Woo hoo, thank you so much Cera.
Cera Byer:
Thank you.
Alicia Freedman:
Keep on doing the good work girl, I love it.
Cera Byer:
I appreciate you so much. Thank you.